In the middle of an argument, I felt it. The tightness in my chest. Why couldn’t I breathe? I could barely speak. What was happening to me? Was this it? Was I dying?
It’s 2 am and I am up again. Cold sweats, barely holding onto a breath. Begging God to take this away from me. I would get so angry with myself. Why couldn’t I control this? I remember yelling “I can’t do this every night Lord”! Always questioning why me? Little did I know 9 years of my life would be consumed by this thing they call anxiety.
I had a fear of dying. Fear of living. Literally a fear of everything. Who could possibly live like this forever? I felt like it was only a matter of time until my own body would kill itself from the inside. Let’s not even talk about the thoughts I would have in my mind. Should I just take myself out of this misery? No one would miss me. It would probably be better for them not to have to deal with this.
Bless my sweet mom who would be up with me every night. Holding me tight. As my body would tremble in fear. Gasping on to every breath that I struggled to take. Watching me turn pale and almost pass out. Let me tell you, you aren’t the only one affected by this. All those around you will either leave or have to learn how to deal with what you are going through. Which isn’t easy. So please understand, It isn’t just about you anymore. Especially when others are involved.
In the middle of this battle, it’s so hard for us to see that the ones around us also suffer. They have to learn how to respond to this. We often lash out at them. And it’s not out of hate. It’s often out of our fears and worries. So try to be aware as best you can. They love you and are just trying to help you through this.
The Bible says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6). Trusting in God means believing that He is in control of our lives and that His plans for us are good.